The Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Santa Fe » From the Ministers

The Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Santa Fe » From-the-Ministers

Pastoral Care News

It has been gratifying to see the many ways people have stepped up to help out during this sabbatical time. One thing becomes clear: community is created by gestures of caring, both small and large, gestures of reaching out, lending a hand, paying attention. We’re good at it, and we could be a whole lot better.

With Berta Hanna and Millie Dew’s retirement as co-chairs of the Caring Committee, we thank them both for the fine work they have done in responding to the needs of our members. Soon we hope to have a newly organized Caring Committee and explore ways for Neighborhood Connections and the Covenant Groups to take up some of these functions.

The Pastoral Care Associates have chosen a new name for themselves. It is “Bridges.” They will also use “Pastoral Care Team” to identify themselves, but they’re hoping primarily to use the more poetic name “Bridges,” which reflects the way they see themselves — bridging between individuals and the congregation and bridging between people’s needs and resources.

One need keeps presenting itself: transportation. Several members have already volunteered to provide rides. If you can help with transportation, please let the staff know.

For the time being, if you know of a need for care, please call the office and let one of the staff know. They will pass on the information to someone who can help. I am available to respond to pastoral needs. If an urgent need arises and neither I nor the office can be reached, after a reasonable wait, call Judith Newman, representative of the Pastoral Care Associates.

All this information about caring is part of a larger truth: to become the kind of responsive community we envision, every one of us must be a caring member. You needn’t belong to a committee or have a designated title to bring a dish, make a call, or to check in with someone who might need attention. Let’s make it happen!

In faith,
Rev. Linda Whittenberg

Tags: Congregational Care From-the-Ministers

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Meet Our UUCSF Minister Associated, the Reverend Doctor Leona Stucky-Abbott

Many of you have probably noticed Leona Stucky-Abbott’s name on the El Centinela masthead or on the outside signboard or know Leona from her participation in UUCSF. You may not know that her association with UUCSF is to provide a Pastoral Counseling Community Ministry; i.e., counseling services provided by a person who has dual training in the behavioral sciences and in theological studies.

Leona’s particular training includes a B.A. in Psychology and Philosophy (summa cum laude) from Boston College; an M.A. from Eden Theological Seminary; and a Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Counseling (with honors) from Southern Methodist University, Perkins School of Theology.

In addition to being a New Mexico Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Leona has been an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ for 27 years and is in Preliminary Fellowship with the UUA. She has presented graduate and postgraduate courses and this past year she has served on the board of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. These are impressive credentials, indeed. The Committee on Ministry has a relationship with Leona providing feedback and support.

We probably know her from her articles in El Centinela, her forum presentation, from a sermon, or from social justice involvement. Her confidential counseling practice, which consumes the lion’s share of her time, happens in her office away from UUCSF.

Ann Hume
Chair, Committee on Ministry

Tags: Congregational Care From-the-Ministers

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From Your Community Minister: Open House Invitation

To: UUCSF congregation
From: Rev. Dr. Leona Stucky-Abbott
Date: Sunday, July 20, 1:00 to 3:00 p.m.
Open House/Office: Rev. Dr. Leona Stucky-Abbott’s Associated Community Ministry

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine a ministry that doesn’t take place within the confines of a church building. We have such a ministry. It takes place in my home office. Please join me for an open house/office. Come and see the place of our pastoral counseling ministry. Enjoy refreshments and conversation.

Where: 140 Mesa Vista. Take St. Francis to Alameda St. Turn west on Alameda and go 8/10ths of a mile, and turn north (right) on Mesa Vista, a small dead-end street. Drive all the way to the top of the hill, and turn into the second to the last driveway on the left. The house and gate have blue trim. The office is the door on the left. You can park in the street if you pull up on the curb. Don’t park directly across from anyone else. (If on Alameda you come to a traffic light at Camino Alire, you have gone two streets too far.)

Welcome!

Leona

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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From Your Community Minister: Listening

Listen. Pay attention. Listen to the words and to the meaning behind the words. Listen to the story, not just to catch what happens next, but to hear the quiet twists of the narrator’s approach and to understand each character’s motivations. Listen with your whole heart. You’ll receive more from the experience if you listen well.

We all have the ability to refine our listening skills and therefore to experience a greater sense of connection with others and with ourselves.

Pastoral counselors listen for a living. We listen for the repetition of a single simple line, for the small smooth vowel held a bit longer, for fast-growing secrets, for the groaning of a moment in time. We listen for a slight gurgle before laughter, for breathless fear, for heavy tones woven between staccato notes, for impatient or mellowing sighs, for torrents behind fried words, for softness hidden in curt evasions.

We listen for the timing of smiles, for wistful sounds of deeper desire, for characteristic bubbles in hope, for unspoken thoughts, and for journeys not taken. We listen for boredom leaking out of sleepy eyes, for busyness that exceeds energy, for misshapen routines, for natural humor, for enduring pride, engaging curiosity, and courage that speaks for itself. We listen for souls yearning to reach beyond themselves, for wisdom undergirding simple statements, for spirited sparks that brighten a disposition, and for values that give directions to the lost.

We listen and therefore we speak. If our words are not attuned to what we heard, they usually fall away. We hear those words bouncing on the floor and rolling to the corner, hiding under our chairs, or catching the sun’s glare shamefully so we can’t take our eyes off them. When we hear with an attuned ear, we can speak intentionally, to summarize, to point to another meaning, to underline the important part, to inform, to connect with more than mere words.

Both trained and untrained ears hold the secrets of genuine connection. Without making us better or worse than we are, listeners let us be with ourselves. Listeners, as feminist theologian Nelle Morton said, hear us into speech. In communities, listening is often the glue that keeps us together, the tool by which we work through differences, the elixir that invites us to drink from the same well. On a larger scale, it is a first and vital part of mediation and movement toward peace. Listening is a gift we give each other. Consider the sheer joy of listening with our whole hearts. It awakens us to others and at the same time gives us a truer experience of ourselves.

Leona Stucky-Abbott
Associated Community Minister

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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Pastoral Care News

As I hope you’ve heard, during Stephen’s sabbatical I have agreed to look after the pastoral care needs of the congregation. Stephen’s sabbatical has given us the impetus to accomplish something he and I have discussed for a long time: the creation of a Pastoral Care Associates program to assist with the care of our members.

We are off to an excellent start. The skilled volunteers of our Pastoral Care Associates: Bill Mitchell, Don Roberts, Judith Newman, Lisa Kolberg, Mary Mitchell, Max August, Phyllis Arlow, Susan Smith, and Tess Amy Gaudet represent a treasure of experience and knowledge.

The members of this group are here to lend a listening ear, check in with members, help problem-solve, help find resources, and, generally, to be a caring presence. You may be contacted by one of them. Or, if you feel the need for a call or visit, please let me know and I will ask a Pastoral Care Associate to respond. With practice we will discover how to make this new system work best for our congregation.

Usually I can be reached by phone; however, Judith Newman has agreed to be the Pastoral Care Associates contact person in case I’m not available. If an urgent need arises, first call either me (home at 471-2123, or cell at 699-1752) or the office (982-9674). If neither responds after a reasonable wait, call Judith at 577-0194.

Meanwhile, the Caring Committee, with co-chairs Berta Hanna and Millie Dew, will continue to arrange meals, send cards, and tend to the many practical care needs that arise. Both Berta and Millie have expressed a desire to be replaced after having served more than three years on this committee. If you are interested, please talk to me, Berta, or Millie. (And please read the article in the next column.) Thank you, Berta and Millie, for your dedication and fine work.

The past weeks have been a time of sadness for all of us following the sudden death of Cynthia Josephs. It has made me feel proud to witness the depth of caring and support displayed by our members. In days ahead, let us continue to remember how much we mean to one another.

Sabbaticals are good for ministers, and they are also good for congregations. There is much to learn, and already it has begun.

Faithfully yours,
Rev. Linda Whittenberg

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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From Your Community Minister: An Occasion for Guilt and Celebration: Mother’s Day

I yearn for Mother’s Day messages. Yet when they come, I feel guilty and unable to take the words to heart. Was I always there? No. I shudder to realize the difference between what I know now and what I knew then, when I was too young for awesome responsibility; too naïve to understand child development or to finesse nurture.

I am grateful to D.W. Winnicott, a child psychiatrist and object relations theorist of the British psychoanalytic community, for carefully observing mothers who came to him for help. He talked about ordinary good enough mothering. He stressed that it’s best if mothers don’t strive for perfection.

He says when mothers attune to their babies, they typically are what their children need, mistakes and frustrations included. Ordinary mothers are good enough.

I think I saw what he meant one Sunday. While listening to a sermon, I became distracted by a mother and her little girl, about 8 months old. The more distressed the baby became, the more engrossed I became. First the mother bought some time by smiling and winking, and the baby watched mother’s face and smiled back.

After half a minute the baby fussed, so mother stuck her tongue between her lips and made a tiny “th, th, th,” sound. Baby moved her tongue and lips trying to copy mom. She spit up and mom yanked a cloth from the diaper bag pocket. When baby squirmed some more, mother looked exasperated, but tapped her finger on her mouth saying, “shhhhhhhhhh.” Then she tapped her finger on baby’s mouth and baby gurgled some quiet sounds and reached toward mom’s mouth. Mom lifted her higher on her lap and let baby put her finger over mother’s mouth while mother said, “shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

After some more tearful peeps, mother tried another position. Baby looked over her shoulder while she patted her back. In the meantime she untangled a blanket around baby’s foot. Then she spread the blanket on the chair next to her and fetched a cloth book and laid baby on her back so she could twist and toss the book, and then find her feet.

Shortly after that, baby sounded distressed and mother rubbed her tummy and pretended to tickle her just enough to change a sour face into a little giggle. Then mother gently bounced her baby on her knee and held her around the waist so baby’s hands were free. Baby waved them in a clapping motion. Mother smiled while she quietly cadenced, “Ah bub bub bub bub bub bub” and baby mimicked back, “Ah bub bub bub bub bub bub” with a slobbery smile so big it made me smile too.

I enjoyed watching that ordinary mother doing what she could. I don’t remember those intricate relational moments with my children. It’s the big events and often my most glaring mistakes that stare me in the face. I recall a tender heart and doing what I could, as limited as that was.

Leona Stucky-Abbott
Associated Community Minister

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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From the Minister

On May 4 I commence my sabbatical. The word sabbatical has the same root as Sabbath — and refers to the six on/one off cycle of rest and renewal proposed in Exodus and Leviticus as a way to keep life in balance.

My personal plan has four components: physical, spiritual, mental, and social. I hope to get in better shape physically by taking Iris, our dog, on longer daily walks. I hope to engage more spiritually by going camping and by also signing up for some retreats. The mental dimension, for me, will include studying thriving anti-racist, anti-oppression, multicultural congregations both within and beyond the UUA. The social dimension includes my hope that Deb Holder and I will be able to visit our daughter Meredith in her new home in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.

A successful sabbatical, however, is only half about the minister; congregational renewal is equally important. I feel confident that the strategies congregational leaders and I have put in place over the last twelve months will help insure just that. Our Worship Associates, now numbering approximately fifteen, will be leading Sunday services. They are a cohesive, creative group who are growing in their passion and feel for designing excellent worship. We are also putting together a Pastoral Associates Team, a strong group of UUCSF members with some professional training in one of the helping professions, who will be available for pastoral care and attention throughout my absence. We also plan to make the Pastoral Associates a permanent ministry of this congregation, formally commissioned sometime next fall.

Properly designed, sabbaticals are a good thing all around: everybody is renewed and refreshed and rejuvenated. Let us do what we can to make it so!

Yours in faith,
Stephen

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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From Your Community Minister: An Apology

OK. It is time for me to face the music, to practice what I preached, and say I’m sorry for botching my last note to you in El Centinela. I failed to nuance my version of South Africa as I made the point that self-knowledge is necessary for reconciliation. I suggested that because South Africans endured a public confessional process, they would be better able to hear Jeremiah Wright’s comments, if they were about South Africa, than we have been able to hear them in America.

While I was arguing for a fuller understanding of ourselves, I painted a limited view of South Africa. I practiced the very thing I was speaking against — presenting images that don’t reflect the whole.

I do believe that South Africa’s confession of the wrongs of apartheid is a key aspect of their hope for tomorrow; their hope to right some wrongs so their country can live past the anguish that still shows itself in racist attitudes and actions. Confession, like its friend, conversion, is only a gesture if it is not acted upon year after year to prove itself valid. With its many limits in size and scope, the confessions in the Truth and Reconciliation process, reported widely within the country during its operation, and compiled in a 2,739 page report, helped make a nation aware of its abuses.

Still, any attempt to picture South Africa must be profoundly complex. Nelson Mandela rose to the challenge of transforming cultures and blazed a trail on which the humanness and the dignity of a nation could walk, without denying the reality of either. Unfortunately, national struggles can’t be resolved quickly. Severe poverty in black townships continues to shatter upward mobility and prompts crime. Many of the problems that persist in other governments, such as government corruption, nip at the heels of South Africa. Only now are black women voicing the oppression they suffered at the hands of black men. Feminism is becoming a hot word in South Africa.

With abounding difficulties bubbling in a national cauldron, hope abides, but is not secure. The work of reconciliation continues. On Friday, May 16, 2008, South Africans will be gathering in small diverse groups in community spaces to personally hear each other’s stories, with the hope that listening to each other’s stories will create new pathways for reconciliation and nation building. The idea of telling stories is an international phenomenon supported by the Museum of the Person and Center for Digital Storytelling. Doing that as an act of nation building seems characteristic of South Africa’s conscious intent to remember its history and learn to transcend it.

This is the part of South Africa that resonates with the ministry of pastoral counseling. It resonates with UU principles and with our own struggles to reconcile differing views both within and beyond our congregation. I have to smile when I think of us hosting a fundamentalist speaker. This must be a kernel of what it is like for South Africans to sit in a circle and tell each other their stories.

Leona Stucky-Abbott
Associated Community Minister

Tags: From-the-Ministers Community Outreach

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DRE Dialogue

Well, it’s not quite a “snow day.” Snow is falling but I am working at home (not relaxing by the fireplace,) writing this column and doing other religious education tasks. However, the quiet beauty of the snow-draped trees and lacy grasses brings a soothing atmosphere to my home office, making writing almost relaxing, even with a deadline hovering! This is the eighth New Year I have greeted you as your Director of Religious Education and each January brings new reflections about the past year as well as the upcoming year. I’d like to share some highlights with you here:

• Since the summer, the RE Committee has begun an active transition to a Lifespan RE Committee. We have completed our Fall Adult RE courses and are beginning the Winter 2008 session with a variety of classes (see p. __ for information on current Adult RE offerings).
• The RE Committee will hold its mid-winter retreat on January 26, where we will have a “tune-up” workshop led by Rev. Deborah Holder, our Mountain Desert District Program Consultant for Lifespan Faith Development. We hope to come up with a more effective structure for this transitioning committee—something that reflects the changing face of our UUCSF family and the time and energy of our volunteers.
• The volunteer teaching staff numbers 17—we are working toward having four teachers per class so that every teacher can attend the worship service twice per month.
• For teens, a high school Our Whole Lives (O.W.L.) sexuality education class has been completed and Coming of Age continues with eight youth and eight adult mentors participating.
• We now have three adults trained to lead Our Whole Lives for both young adults and adults, two trained for grades K-1 and 4-6, four trained to lead grades 7-9, and two trained to lead grades 10-12.
• Over the winter break, four UUCSF teens and two UUCSF adults joined an MDD youth project in Juarez, Mexico, where they built a house for a homeless family. This District event was led by our Youth Program Coordinator, Fred Bowman.

Admittedly, I have days when administrative tasks are overwhelming and I wonder what in the world I am doing here! Then comes a day like this past Sunday (January 6) when I chatted with three new families and led a discussion with our Coming of Age class about dealing with the “bad things” in our lives. Sometimes it takes a “snow day” to slow down enough to recognize the blessings.

Tags: Lifespan Religious Education From-the-Ministers

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Minister’s Discretionary Fund

As winter approaches the time of severe needs rises for many in our community. Your contributions to the minister’s discretionary fund help many in difficult circumstances. As serious short-term financial crises within one of our congregation’s households have been known to happen, I like to keep a few hundred dollars in the account at all times. Your contributions are, of course, tax deductible—and much appreciated.
Stephen Furrer, Minister

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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From Your Community Minister: Most people self-sabotage, especially in intimate relationships

Recently I told a couple they would need to tackle the four-year-old inside themselves before responding to the other during a conflict. These stiff-backed little four-year-olds know they are right and the other person better agree or they’ll huff and puff and blow the house down. I’ve often thought it wise to videotape couples and let them critique the way they relate. We can’t picture what we are like when we settle into reactive relating. We usually think our partner is slamming us, and we don’t see how we hurt ourselves.

Take, for example, people who so much want to please their love that they do whatever the other desires. With little push-back, lovers are quickly bored. Or the partners who, fearing rejection, reject first. Or the way people who fear losing love attempt to control partners or addict them to the relationship.

Consider the times we think we have won a battle when we impose our will. In our daily oblivion we often forget that winning in a love relationship is not like winning a football game. To win in love, we must assure that we both are content with the outcome, and maintain groundwork for negotiation. A one up/one down contest harms intimacy.

It helps when we use our own good sense—we treat our partners as we would treat friends whom we support and love from the best of ourselves. How many times would the intonations and tactics we use with our partners be offensive to a friend? It’s usually better to relax our self-protective positions and give a little while we maintain self-respect. Many of our relational problems loosen up and dissipate when we focus on sharing rather than on winning.

One way to enhance intimate relations is to learn the art of not taking things personally. Even when partners implicate with direct accusations, don’t sling mud. Studies indicate that showing disdain for or disrespect to a partner is the single most destructive factor in relationships. When disdain persists, a divorce or break-up ensues.

Our most potent enemies reside inside ourselves. This is especially true when we think our partner is to blame. I should know. When I talk with couples I can’t help but see myself in my twenty-year failed relationship.

Leona Stucky-Abbott
Associated Community Minister

Tags: From-the-Ministers Congregational Care

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